


I'm So Sorry

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Cheating, Cutting, Depressed Jake, Depression, F/F, Hospitalization, M/M, Medicine, Overdosing, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-18
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-06-03 03:12:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6594373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Jake English, and you want to end your miserable, pathetic life. That is all.</p><p>Your name is Dirk Strider, and you will do anything to keep Jake happy, and protect him. You want to know why he's so depressed, he won't tell you anything, it's making you worried. All you can really do is be there for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just a trigger warning! 
> 
> If you are easily triggered by the mention of self-harm or the mention of suicide, this is not the story for you! Please, for your own good, go to a different story. Thank you. Enjoy.

Jake had recently fell into a deep depression. No one knows why, not even his boyfriend Dirk. Jake has been isolating himself, in his dark room, alone, in his apartment. Jane and Roxy tried talking to him, even tried to get help for him. Nothing worked. The happy, bright, and dorky Jake, disappeared in a matter of weeks. Dirk, of course, checks on him everyday for a few hours, making sure he's okay, then kisses him goodbye, and leaves for work. When he checks on him after work, he's usually passed out on his couch. Some pills scattered on the floor and a half drunken bottle of vodka in his left hand. Dirk of course cringes at the sight of this, cleans the mess up, gets rid of the extra pills, and places him in his bed. He also does his rounds of checking his apartment for blades, disposing of any he found. It really broke his heart seeing Jake like this, he wished he knew what was wrong with him, maybe he could help out a little more. Well, all he can do now is help and be there for his boyfriend...

Jane and Roxy went to visit Dirk at his house. Jane would bake something for Dirk and Jake, while Roxy tried to be the light for everyone. They both knocked on Dirk's door, which he answered immediately. "Hey Jane, Roxy" Dirk smiled at them, like he normally did, which was a very good thing. Jane smiled back "Hi Dirk! I baked you some Snickerdoodles! Just the way you like them!" she handed him the container of cookies, which had a pretty red bow on top of it. Dirk gladly took them "Thank you Jane, you know how much I love your baking." Roxy nodded, having her normal, goofy, smile as well "Let us in D Stri! It's cold as balls out here!" She said slipping past Dirk as she pulled Jane in. Dirk simply rolled his eyes and closed the door behind them. It was the beginning of winter, and the temperature wasn't very welcoming, so of course he let them in, even though Roxy invited them in.

Roxy sat on Dirk's couch, crossing her legs as Jane sat beside her. She looked at Dirk worriedly, "So...How's Jake holding up?" She asked him, the chubby girl placing her things on the table in front of her. Dirk let out a long sigh "Not any better, but he's still doing okay..." he looked away from Jane, clearing his throat "Do you two want anything to drink?" He asked, trying to thin the already thick atmosphere. "Coffee, black, make it strong" Roxy said "And, try not to worry about Jake too much, okay? It's not very good for you." Jane nodded "Coffee with cream.." she said a bit gently. Dirk walked into the kitchen, grabbing two mugs and started to fix their coffee "I honestly try not to, but I can't help but feel like something happened to him, everyday..." he started to brew the coffee and walked back into the living room "And the thought eats away of what's left of my sanity..." he sat down in a chair, running his hand through his blonde hair. Jane nodded "I can see where your coming from. Jake is your boyfriend, you can't help but worry." She nudged Roxy slightly, which made her speak up "Y-Yeah! But try to be there for him to!" She said a bit awkwardly, not knowing what to say. Dirk nodded with a sigh "I guess so..." he said. There was a long silence, an awkward silence, the kind of silence you didn't quite know how to break. Roxy then cleared her throat "Dirk, things will get better, I promise. And, I know I'm not the kind of person to give out this kind of advice..." she shifted awkwardly in her spot "But you have to be there for Jake, tell him that you love him every chance you get, tell him he can go to you whenever he needs to." Dirk was listening to Roxy say this, he started to tear up and he wiped them away under his shades "Alright...I will..." he said as his words trembled. Jane held out her arms offering a friendly hug, Roxy joined in. The blonde went to them and hugged the both of them "I'm sorry..." he apologized. He didn't like people seeing him cry, luckily Dave was out with his boyfriend John and their friends. Jane patted his back "It's okay Dirk, we're here for you to." Roxy gave him a reassuring back rub "Yeah D Stri, we're here for you."


	2. Chapter 2

At Jake's apartment, the brunette woke up with a splitting headache. He slowly sat up and checked the time, it was around 5:00. He shook his head, the overdose didn't do it's job. He got up from his bed and walked to his bathroom, turned on the lights, and looked at himself in the mirror. He hated this view, the dark bags under his eyes, the sickly pale skin, the messy hair, and the bloodshot eyes. He hated everything. He then looked at his arms, covered in scars and fresh cuts, even burn marks could be seen. He quickly pulled down his jacket sleeve, suddenly sick to his stomach. He knew he was about to throw up, his body was rejecting the alcohol and pills, wanting him to throw them up. He covered his mouth as he felt himself gag. He ran to the toilet and started to throw up the pills, alcohol, and last night's lunch. After he was finished, he spat the bitter taste out and flushed it all down. He went to the sink, turned on the faucet, cupped his hands together and got some water. He washed his mouth out and spat it back out, then did the same with the mouth wash. He sighed and walked out of the bathroom, he was a mess, and he knew it. He felt his cellphone vibrate in his pocket and pulled it out, turning it on. He winced at the sudden bright light and looked at the message that Dirk sent him.

TT: Hey Jake, do you want to come over to my house?   
TT: Jane and Roxy are over and it's not any fun without you.

Jake sighed, he really wanted to be alone, but he also wanted some kind of human contact. He decided to answer him.

GT: Sure i guess...  
GT: I'll be over in a minute.

Jake then locked his phone and put it back in his pocket. He went back to his bathroom and looked at himself once again, he closed his eyes while shaking his head, once again hating the view. He grabbed a comb and brushed his hair out then styling it like he normally did. He rolled his other sleeve down and walked back out of the bathroom. He still had that splitting headache but he was still going to Dirk's place, it would be rude to cancel after saying you would go. He walked outside of his house and started to walk towards Dirk's house, it wasn't a long walk, maybe about a 5 or 10 minute walk. It was cold and dark outside, which he didn't mind, but the thoughts of Jane's and Roxy's reaction to his state, that ate away at him. His strides became shorter, and his walking became slower as he thought about their reactions. He was nearing Dirk's house and he began to rethink the idea. Maybe it would be better if Jane and Roxy didn't see him? It would save them the horror or tears. Jake sighed, his breath visible because of the colder air, he pulled out his phone, at this point he stopped walking, he began to text Dirk.

GT: Sorry dirk, i've changed my mind...i think it's better if jane and roxy don't see me as i am...  
TT: What? Jake, come on, they haven't seen you in two months.  
GT: And i'm sure they wouldn't care to wait another two.  
TT: Jake, please, they're really excited to see you after so long.  
GT: ...  
GT: Fine dirk...just...don't say anything about what i did, okay?  
TT: I promise.

Jake locked his phone, putting on a fake smile, he approached Dirk's door and knocked on it. Already regretting his decision of re-agreeing.


	3. Chapter 3

Dirk opened the door to see a "smiling" Jake. He returned a happy smile "Hey Jake, I'm glad you decided to come" he hugged him, which Jake returned hesitantly. Dirk pulled away and let Jake inside. Jane and Roxy saw the state Jake was in, and tried to fight off forming the face of horror. "Jakey! It's so good to see you!" Roxy said as she walk up to him and hugged him tightly. Jake hugged her, again, hesitantly "H-Hey Roxy" he said, trying to hold the fake smile on his cheeks. Jane hugged the taller male as well "We've missed you" she said "How have you been?" Jake let out a forced laugh "I've been okay" he said "I've been clean for 3 weeks." Jake knew Jane and Roxy knew, the way they were acting gave it away, but he wasn't aware Dirk told them, besides what he told them was a giant lie. He was really only clean for a day. Roxy gasped "R-Really! That's great!" she smiled. Jane smiled as well "I'm glad to hear that you're doing better" she said, she nudged Dirk "Hey Dirk, I need to talk to you for a minute about your issue with Dave." Dirk cleared his throat "Oh, yeah, right" he said walking into the kitchen with Jane.

Dirk looked at Jane then spoke lowly "What is it?" he asked. Jane frowned "Jake looks horrible!" she said, speaking lowly as well "I can't stay in the same room with him without wanting to cry!" Dirk frowned "I'm sorry, but I knew it's been months since you seen Jake and since all three of us were finally in once place, why not invite Jake too?" he asked. Jane felt tears prick her bright blue eyes "I just...I don't understand why he think he needs to do those things to himself" she whimpered softly "I know he was lying about being clean, I could tell by the way he was wording it." Dirk gave Jane a tissue "I"m really sorry okay? I don't understand myself, and I'd hate to ask him why. I'm scared he might do something if I do." Jane nodded "I understand your worry for him, but I think it would be better to talk to him about it one-on-one" she gently dried her eyes with the tissue "And I know Roxy would agree." Dirk sighed "It's really scary if you think about it..." he muttered "I'm scared that one day I'll wake up and he actually did it..." he crossed his arms, trying to hold back his own tears "I'm just trying to be there for him." Jane patted his shoulder "It's okay Dirk, once me and Roxy leave tonight, I want you to talk to him about this." Dirk nodded "Alright."

They both walked out of the kitchen as soon as Jane cleaned herself up. Roxy looked at Jane as she secretly pointed to the door, that way only Jane could see. She slightly gave a nod as Roxy yawned "You know what Dirk, I got to go to work tomorrow and if I don't go home now, my boss will probably fire me" she huffed. She then turned to Jake and hugged him "I'm sorry we couldn't hang out longer Jakey" she frowned. Jake hugged her in return "It's fine Roxy, I understand" he said "Will you be staying Jane?" he asked her, letting go of Roxy. Jane frowned slightly "Unfortunately, I can't, I have to make sure Roxy actually goes to sleep." Jake sighed "i guess that's also understandable" he said. Jane hugged him "We'll see you tomorrow, hopefully" she smiled. Jake nodded "um, yeah, hopefully" he mumbled, letting Jane go. Roxy and Jane gathered their belongings and walked out the door, saying one final goodbye.

Now it was only Jake and Dirk.


	4. Chapter 4

Jake was about to leave, until Dirk gently grabbed Jake's hand. "Wait, I need to talk to you" He said with a worried look. Jake sighed "I heard what you and Jane were talking about. I'm sure it wasn't about Dave either," he pulled his hand out of Dirk's "You promised you wouldn't tell." Dirk frowned "Look Jake, I'm sorry, but we both know Jane and Roxy were going to find out eventually, one way or another." Jake scoffed "I would have told them myself, don't you think it would have been better if I told them myself? Instead of them having to give me pitying looks behind my back? I knew Jane was crying, and I knew Roxy was about to." He soon began to grow more angry, but his anger was aimed more at himself than Dirk. The taller blonde didn't say anything, he honestly couldn't. Jake was right, it would have been better if he told them himself, he thought he was helping by telling them about Jake. The brunette huffed and opened the door, walking outside "Goodnight Strider..." he said a bit grimly as he shut the door behind him.

Jake then started to walk home, looking at the ground as he did, he couldn't believe Dirk at the moment. As he got closer to his house, dark things began to creep into his mind. Thoughts of making himself feeling pain, thoughts of making himself dying. They weren't even ominous, they were mostly comforting. His strides became longer and his walk turned into a run. He soon got to his house, out of breath, and opening the door. As he closed it behind him, he turned off his phone and threw it to the side, which collided with a wall and hit the floor. He went to his room and grabbed his Indiana Jones whip that he used to use for cosplay or reenacting scenes from the movies. He looked around for a place to do the job and saw his closet. He opened the door and saw the clothes rack, with various shirts, flannels, and jackets, which Jake immediately ripped down. He kicked the clothes out and grabbed a step stool, tying the end of the whip to the rack and the other end to his neck, tightly. Jake made sure he couldn't breathe then kicked the stool out from under him, hanging himself. He immediately regretted the decision and try to untie the whip from his neck, but he couldn't, he began to grow weak as his vision faded into black. He last thing he heard was himself choking, then passing out.

 

Meanwhile, Dirk felt horrible about what he did, he wanted to make it up, he picked his phone up and tried to call Jake but it went straight to voice mail. That made his stomach drop, thoughts and ideas went through his mind, horrible ones at that. "Maybe his phone died and he's just charging it..." Dirk said, trying to reassure himself. He waited a few minutes, before trying again. Nothing. Dirk began to grow worried, maybe it wouldn't hurt to check on Jake? He grabbed his jacket and put it on, making sure he had 911 on speed dial just in case. He opened the door and walked outside, shutting it behind him. As he walked to Jake's house, Jane text him, which he ignored.

GG: Hey Dirk, I know you're probably busy, but I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing.  
GG: I tried to talk to Jake, but he isn't answering my calls...  
GG: So I figured he must be with you.  
GG: I'm texting you now to make sure that my hypothesis is correct.  
GG: Is it?  
GG: Dirk?  
GG: Hello?  
GG: Geez...  


Dirk eventually got to Jake's house and knocked on the front door. He stuffed his hands into his pockets waiting, no answer. He knocked again, but with the same results. He decided to just open the door "Jake?" he called "Are you here?" He looked around the dark house for any signs of his boyfriend, but found nothing. He then noticed his phone on the floor, the screen was cracked. When Dirk tried to turn it on, it didn't do anything. "Fuck.." he murmured, he walked into Jake's room and found him. Dirk's mind went into overdrive as he quickly ran over and untied the knot around Jake's neck, catching his body. The blonde sat him on the floor, shaking him "Jake! Jake!" he said, tearing up "Jesus Christ! Jake answer me!" he placed his ear to Jake's chest and heard his faint heartbeat. There was still hope. He quickly pulled out his phone and called 911.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not sorry XD


	5. Chapter 5

A few days passed, Jake had fell into a coma, due to his attempt to kill himself and all of the alcohol and pills. Dirk, Jane, and Roxy were in the waiting room as they were waiting for news about Jake. Dirk was pacing, while Jane and Roxy were still shaken about what Jake did. "Why did Jake do it? What made him think that ending his life was a good idea!?" Roxy asked rhetorically as Jane sat next to her, holding her hand with tears running down her cheeks. Dirk soon sat down again, he looked down at the floor, running his hands through his blonde hair. Exactly, what made Jake think that ending his life was okay? He growled, bearing down on his teeth as he realized why. He upset Jake by breaking his promise and he was hoping  _that_ secret didn't get out. He still felt terrible about the whole thing and knows Jake doesn't need that on his mind on top of everything. 

Soon, a man came walking down the hall with a clipboard and cleared his throat. "Are you friends of Mr. English?" he asked. The three stood up "Yes, we are!" Roxy said, slightly squeezing Jane's hand. The doctor smiled slightly "He's going to be fine, he's in a stable condition, you may rest easy now." Dirk sighed relieved of all the stress on his nerves, he was glad that Jake will be okay "Is it okay if I, um, see him?" he asked a bit hopefully. The doctor nodded "Yes, but only one at a time please." Dirk nodded as the doctor lead him towards Jake

As he walked, he felt the guilt weigh in again. The fact that he betrayed Jake one too many times, and the fact that he was the one to cause Jake to hang himself. Once they arrived at Jake's room, the doctor let Dirk in and allowed him to be alone with the patient. The Blonde pulled up a chair beside his bed and looked at him, tears slipping from his eyes as he took off his shades "I'm sorry Jake..." he whispered, hanging his head low. He bit his lip slightly as he spoke again "I know you can't hear me, and that's okay, but I just want you to know that I'm sorry." He placed a gentle hand on Jake's, sniffling. So many things were going through his head at the moment, he couldn't comprehend half of it. Although, he knew most of it was about Jake. It was quiet, except for the sounds of the machine beeps and Dirk's whimpering. He remembered back to that day, the day when he made a horrible mistake.

* * *

 

Dirk had turned twenty-one and was old enough to drink, Roxy and Jake were still too young but Roxy drank anyway. When Jane and Jake decided to go home, Dirk and Roxy became too comfortable with each other. They were sitting on the couch, drinking, talking, and laughing. Until Roxy had climbed onto the other's lap and started to kiss his neck.

"Dirky~ I think we should have a little fun while Jakey isn't here~" Roxy murmured softly. Dirk's mind was slurred, but he still remembered it as clear as day. "He won't know will he~?" he asked, placing the bottle of gin down and soon ran his hands up Roxy's shirt, which she responded with a shudder "Of course not! And geez Dirk your hands are cold!" she shivered. It all really escalated from there, from the couch, to the wall, to his room. All night long. 

When Dirk woke up, he had a splitting headache, also finding a sleeping Roxy beside him. He immediately regretted his decision of what happened the night before as grabbed clean clothes, took several showers, changed into them, styled his hair, and brushed his teeth. He grabbed his phone and told Jake he was coming over, at this time he was the happy, dorky, Jake he always was. Jake gave the "okay" and Dirk left, leaving a note for Roxy to wake up to. That was it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLOT TWIST OHHH
> 
> Sorry for the long wait on this chapter, I've haven't had much inspiration for this but I finally got something for it. I hope you enjoyed this story so far!


	6. Chapter 6

Jane was driving home with Roxy, before they left although, they told the doctor to inform Dirk that they couldn't visit Jake tonight. Roxy, in the passenger seat, sighed heavily. "Are you okay?" Jane asked, glancing over at her girlfriend worriedly. Roxy nodded, sitting up slightly "I just...I can't believe Jake tried to kill himself" she said "He has so much to live for, why can't he see that?" Jane sighed "I'm not sure, I'm sure we can figure out what caused his very sudden depression." It dawned on Roxy what it could possibly be, she tried to shake it from her mind, but what else could it be? She soon felt sick to her stomach "How much longer til' we get home?" she asked, now holding her stomach. Jane glanced again at Roxy, growing worried "A few more minutes, why?" she asked. Roxy covered her mouth "Pull over..." she murmured. That confirmed Jane's worry "What? Why?" she asked "What's wrong?" Roxy gagged "Just pull over Janey!" she shouted. Jane jumped and immediately pulled over for Roxy "Okay, tell me what's wrong!" she said. Roxy didn't answer, she just got out of the car and ran over to the bushes, she soon started to throw up this afternoon's lunch. Jane quickly ran over to Roxy and held her hair back for her, also rubbing her back gently. She was very worried for her girlfriend and wondered why she was so suddenly sick. Once Roxy was finished, Jane kindly handed her some napkins to wipe her mouth with "Roxy can you please tell me what wrong?" She asked. Roxy threw the napkins on the ground and stood up straight, groaning a bit "It's nothing Janey, let's just go home okay?" She said, walking back towards the car. Jane followed her without saying another word.

Once both Jane and Roxy got home and settled down on the couch, Jane decided to ask again. "Roxy, please, I'm worried about you. Why did you suddenly get so sick?" She asked a bit gently. Roxy sighed softly, turning a bit in her seat to look at Jane, with a very serious gaze. "Jane, I've made a serious mistake. I can't recover from it and I know you will never forgive me for it." Roxy gently placed her hands on Jane's shoulders "Trust me when I say I'm fine now." Jane got more worried with those statements, what could she have meant?! She could only fear for the worst. Did she...no, she's very loyal, she would never. She has to find out. Jane returned the serious look and asked "What did you do?" She wasn't angry, but she was very worried. She could feel her heart beating out of her chest with anticipation. Roxy's look softened into one of sadness "Are you sure you want to know?" She was scared, in fact, she was petrified as to what Jane would do if she told her. Jane nodded, determined to know what the hell was going on. Roxy sighed "Alright... I'll tell you." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry for the very short and very late update, I got busy with school and now that I finally have time I finished this chapter!


End file.
